My therapist told me that the way to achieve inner peace was to always finish things I had started.
So today, I finished:
two bags of potato chips,
a box of doughnuts,
a bottle of red wine, and
the rest of that chocolate fudge swirl ice cream.
I feel better already! (Anon)
Bill Brand
Hunting
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other hunter takes out his phone and calls the Emergency Services. “My friend is dead. What can I do?” he gasps. The operators says “Calm down. First. Let’s make sure he’s dead”. There is a period of silence then a gun-shot is heard. Back on the phone the man says “OK. Now what?”
Reg Hurd
Smiles for You
Smiling Is Infectious, You Catch It Like The Flu, When Someone Smiled At Me Today, I Started Smiling Too.
I Passed Around The Corner And Someone Saw My Grin When He Smiled I Realized I’d Passed It On To Him.
I Thought About That Smile Then I Realized Its Worth, A Single Smile, Just Like Mine Could Travel Round The Earth.
If You Feel A Smile Begin, Don’t Leave It Undetected Let’s Start An Epidemic Quick, And Get The World Infected!(Anon)
Bill Brand
Modern Definitions
Beauty Parlour:
A place where women curl up and dye
Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people
Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out
Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
Handkerchief:
Cold storage
Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn
Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today
